Why Won’t My Partner Stop Lying?

Understanding the Pain and Reality of Betrayal

Discovering that your partner has lied about anything is a devastating experience, especially when it is something as serious as cheating. The pain of betrayal, the loss of trust, and the lingering questions can overwhelm even the strongest person. 

They promise it won’t happen again and beg you to forgive them, and maybe you do the first time. But then it happens again. And again. And again. Every time, it feels like you’re being crushed by relentless waves, slammed against the ocean floor. Your world is rocked each time, over and over again.

They say they love you, and they seem like they mean it. 

So why won’t they stop lying, deceiving you, or worse, cheating on you, over and over again?

Understanding Sexual Compulsivity

To begin to comprehend why your partner might compulsively lie despite the damage it causes to you and your relationship, it’s crucial to understand the concept of compulsivity, especially as it relates to sexual behaviors. Sexual addiction, like other addictions, is a compulsive behavior that individuals find difficult to control despite negative consequences. It covers a variety of behaviors; in fact, there are 20 various types of sexual acting out behaviors defined by the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP).

It’s important to note that not all people who lie, cheat, or betray their partners have a sexual addiction, but it might be the case, and if so, it could be the key that unlocks the door to your partner’s healing.

Sexual addiction is characterized by an intense preoccupation with sexual thoughts, fantasies, urges, and behaviors. Individuals with this addiction might engage in excessive pornography consumption, frequenting sex workers, or engaging in multiple extramarital affairs. The behavior is not driven by a desire to hurt their partner but by an uncontrollable urge that they struggle to manage.

IITAP offers an online assessment called SAST-R that can help your partner determine whether this is an issue for them. 

The Cycle of Addiction

Sexual addiction, much like substance addictions, involves a cycle that can be challenging to break. Here’s a brief overview of this cycle:

1. Preoccupation: The individual becomes obsessed with sexual thoughts and fantasies.
2. Ritualization: They create rituals around their sexual behavior, often planning meticulously.
3. Compulsive Sexual Behavior: They engage in the sexual act, often feeling a temporary relief.
4. Despair: Afterward, they might feel guilt, shame, and despair, which can perpetuate the cycle.

This cycle is difficult to break. Why? Because the compulsive behavior serves as a coping mechanism for other underlying issues, which could be anxiety, depression, trauma, low self-esteem, or something else entirely. 

Despite the short-term relief it provides, the long-term consequences are often damaging, leading to strained relationships and emotional turmoil. Ignoring and avoiding consequences as a part of self-preservation is a major contributor to betrayal trauma.

Why They Can't Just Stop

But honestly, if they truly wanted to stop, why can’t they? 

Again, the answer lies in the complexity of impulsivity, compulsivity, deception, and overall addictive tendencies. Telling a person struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors to “just stop” is like telling a chain smoker to “just stop.” As desperately as they may want to, it may not be that easy. 

Here are some reasons why stopping isn’t as straightforward as it seems:

• Biological Factors: Addiction can alter brain chemistry, creating a dependency on the pleasure and relief provided by the addictive behavior.
• Psychological Factors: Underlying psychological issues, such as trauma or mental health disorders, can drive addictive behaviors.
• Lack of Coping Skills: Individuals with sex addiction often lack healthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress or emotional pain.
• Denial and Shame: The intense shame and guilt associated with their behavior can lead to denial, making it difficult for them to seek help.

If you aren’t sure whether this describes your partner, we’ve developed a self-assessment based on PATHOS, which was developed by Dr. Patrick Carnes. Find out if your partner could be struggling with sexual addiction.

Seeking Help and Moving Forward

It is important to determine willingness as a major factor when ruling out addiction. If your partner is willing to acknowledge their addiction and seek help, there is hope for healing and recovery. Therapy with a certified sex addiction specialist, local support groups, books, and online courses are all available to help your partner recover from their addiction.

But this isn’t just about your partner.

The damage from infidelity and sex addiction isn’t limited to your partner; it directly impacts you, too. You can recover from betrayal trauma and reclaim your own health and wellbeing.

Even if you don’t think you and your partner will be able to recover your relationship, or you’re no longer even with your partner, you owe it to yourself to prioritize your own healing journey. Leaving untreated betrayal trauma can cause long-term PTSD symptoms that can be more difficult to treat the longer they go untreated. 

Hope & Freedom offers several different resources to help partners recover from betrayal trauma:

• Infidelity Survivor’s Guide: This free guide will help you learn to cope with the intrusive thoughts and triggering events that often hijack your healing.
• I Must Heal Online Course: This video-based online course is divided into 30 sessions designed to be completed over the course of 30 weeks to give you time to nurture your healing, learn more about sex addiction, and further develop the coping skills you need to build resilience and recover from betrayal trauma.
• 3-Day Intensive: Spend three days with Cristina Wehner, expert sex addiction and betrayal trauma therapist, as she guides you through the healing process. Intensives are designed to pack six months of therapy into just three days so that you can jumpstart your healing and get your heart and your life back on track.

You can explore more of Hope & Freedom’s resources here.

Dealing with a partner’s repeated infidelity is a painful and challenging experience. While there is hope for recovery with appropriate treatment and support, it’s crucial to take care of yourself and make decisions that are best for your emotional and mental health. 

You deserve respect, love, and honesty in a relationship.