Signs of Sex Addiction

Sex addiction isn’t defined by how much you like sex, how often you have sex, or even the ways you engage in sexual activities. You can have a high sex drive and still not be addicted to sex.

Sex addiction has the same power and control over us as other addictions. It isn’t so much that you want to satisfy your sexual urges; rather, your sexual urges are so dominating that you have to find an outlet.

And that outlet is unhealthy and damaging to you, your relationships, and your life.

All the World’s a Stage… Sex Addiction and “Acting Out”

According to Hope & Freedom’s founder, Dr. Milton Magness, the person who is addicted to sex is constantly dealing in the realm of fantasy. Their sexual fantasies capture their minds, distracting them from real life and propelling them into the drama of their fantasy world.

For some, addiction remains in the realm of fantasy, and for others, addiction involves other people. In a person’s fantasy world, they create the scenery, shape the dialogue, cast the actors, and direct the action of their one-act fantasy. They are the only star, and they are the sole audience member.

“Acting out” is the phrase used by sex addiction therapists to describe the kinds of behaviors that individuals engage in to relieve themselves of the burden of their addiction and get their “hit” of dopamine. Whatever method they use, they are “acting out” the fantasy in their minds, able to draw that fantasy back to mind whenever it suits them.

But just like other addictions, that one high is never enough. The fantasy goes on. It gives the illusion that your desires have been met and that your cravings have been satisfied, only to make the same demands on your attention again. Revisiting this fantasy, even without acting out, will give them the same rush as if they are acting out.

Without recovery support, individuals will keep on going back to this same fantasy world, rehearsing the dramas they are enslaved by. 

Just like other addictions, sex addiction may begin to demand more of their time and attention. They need increasing amounts of drama, danger, other characters to stand-in for fantasy characters, and greater risks in order to get the same high. 

The more time, money, and energy spent trying to chase the next release, the more the rest of their life suffers. Their work suffers. Their marriages suffer. Their friendships suffer. Their life is ruled by meeting the needs of their addiction.

(Information about the background of the term “acting out” is from an article by Jennifer Schneider [2005]. Journal of Sex Addiction and Compulsivity, 12(2-3)).

Examples of “Acting Out” Behaviors

So, if liking sex isn’t the measure of sex addiction, and specific sexual behaviors aren’t the sure sign of a sex addiction, how do you know when what you are experiencing is a problematic behavior?

The difference lies in motivation. If you need to meet this urge or else, you are compelled to do it, ruled by a chemical dependency rooted in your brain.

Compulsive sexual behavior is broken down into three levels (defined through research conducted by Dr. Patrick Carnes). Behaviors in any of these levels are indicative of a potential sex addiction diagnosis. 

Sometimes, people never advance to other levels of addiction, but often, acting out behaviors tend to start at Level One and then escalate as the addiction continues untreated.

Level One Behaviors

Level One Behaviors are generally accepted or at least tolerated by society (though they may not be discussed) and include:

• Compulsive masturbation, sometimes to the point of injury
• Compulsive use of porn (from magazines, to video and DVD, Internet, and pornographic video games)
• Compulsive relationships and codependency; love addiction
• Sexual boundary violations at work
• Prostitution
• Anonymous sex
• Frequenting adult-oriented businesses (for example, strip clubs, adult book stores, modeling studios and massage parlors, which are typically an unlicensed person working out of their apartment or small shopping center)

If you are engaging in Level One behaviors, you may not believe you have a problem. You might feel like you can control your behavior, since you do not constantly partake in them. 

But these acting out behaviors are signs of sex addiction, just like Level Two and Level Three behaviors.

Level Two Behaviors

Level Two Behaviors are intrusive enough to carry significant legal penalties. Behaviors at this level come with legal sanctions and victims. Level Two Behaviors include:

• Exhibitionism 
• Voyeurism
• Professional boundary violations (applies to professions such as physicians, attorneys, therapists, and clergy)
• Indecent phone calls
• Other lewd conduct like frotherism—touching someone in a sexual manner without their permission

Level Three Behaviors

Level Three Behaviors violate our most significant boundaries and include:

• Child molestation
• Possessing (downloading) child pornography
• Incest
• Rape
• Other sexual behaviors involving violence

Are You Suffering from Sex Addiction?

If you’re uncertain whether the challenges you’re facing could be called sex addiction, take this brief self-assessment. It can help you decide whether to seek professional help. 

Sex addiction is not the result of diminished moral capacity or lack of faith. It is an addiction; there is help for it, there is hope for you, and there can be freedom from it. Hope & Freedom Counseling Services is here to help you find the support you need to take the first steps out of addiction and into recovery. Visit our resources page to learn more about how Hope & Freedom can help.